You Should Not Overlook Dating Violence
Forty percent of teenage girls, ages 14 to 17, say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. In one study, 30 to 50 percent of female high school students reported having already experienced teen dating violence, which most often took place in the home of one of the partners. In 1995, 7 percent of all murder victims were young women who were killed by their boyfriends. One in five or 20 percent of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship.
Once you’ve “been through so much,” where do you draw the line on dating violence and say “enough is enough?” Over time, as patterns emerge, it’s natural for one to lose sight of reality. It seems like “everyone fights” or is involved in some drama, yet that doesn’t make it ok. You do not ever have to be someone’s physical or emotional punching bag. There are so many other possible partners out there, don’t think you have to settle, especially so young. If your partner shoves, slaps, hits or punches you, then get out! If you fear bringing up certain topics, feel you’re walking on egg shells or that you’re a prisoner in your own home and suspect he’s listening in on your phone calls, then escape while you still can! If he’s accusing you of cheating, giving you “the look,” calling you disparaging names or shouting at you, then remember that you don’t have to put up with his abuse.
Teen dating violence is often hidden for many reasons. As a teen, you’re relatively inexperienced in the dating world and you haven’t fully figured out what is normal behavior and what is excessive mental illness or severe behavioral problems yet. You may feel like all of your peers are “acting violently,” that violence is “masculine,” or view your relationship as defiance against your parents. Many teenage boys mistakenly believe they “possess” their girlfriends, have the right to “control” their partners, have the right to demand intimacy, that their girlfriends “force” them to resort to violence, and that they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive to their girlfriends. Many teenage girls mistakenly feel there is only one person for them, that they are solely responsible for problem solving, that their boyfriend’s jealousy is really just love, that there is no one to ask for help and that abuse is “normal.” The reality is that teens can identify warning signs, exercise their tremendous number of options and live a healthy, happy life as a valuable individual who deserves respect.
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, dating violence perpetrators tell lies aimed at manipulating and controlling their partner. In most cases, the perpetrators even lie to themselves. Learning to recognize their tactics and techniques for controlling you can help you deal with the situation and move on. For example, if he claims that you “just don’t understand him,” or argues that you “just push his buttons,” then these are statements that blame, in hopes that you’ll stay with him out of guilt. If he tells you he “had a bad childhood,” “just gets angry when he drinks or uses drugs,” “has anger management problems” or “has a lot of stress right now,” then these are excuses, evidence of self-denial and attempts to trick you into feeling sympathetic, even though his behaviors are completely controllable. He may try to say that yelling or smashing things is “his release,” but these abusive behaviors just aren’t normal.